With our coin purses newly filled—one hundred gold pieces each from Lord Neverember as our reward for his Owlbear Lodge quest—our fellowship went together to browse Phandalin’s summer market. Curiosity brought us to a rather nondescript vardo owned by a flamboyantly dressed, golden skinned, pot bellied kobold merchantess. She introduced herself as Krisalee Tingletoe, and graciously invited us into her shabby little covered wagon.
Inside, the space was magically expansive, and sumptuously appointed: more like a palace drawing room than a humble carriage interior. Since the air hung heavy with the weight of destiny, all thoughts of shopping escaped our minds. We inquired if there might be some quest that we could assist her with. Indeed, because of our cunty fellowship’s famed commitment to diversity, inclusion, and equity, Madame Tingletoe was keen to enlist our help.
Tingletoe had made her way to Phandalin via Harborage, a nearby goblin hamlet in the hills fourteen miles northeast of Phandalin. She had sensed that something was amiss in the town, so she moved on without delay but now, she would like us to return to the ‘goblet’ to retrieve a picnic basket, or a purple tunic, or both if possible. This sounded more like some sort of riddle or game than a serious quest, but since she offered twenty gold pieces each for our trouble, I was happy to play along.
Just after midday, we arrived in Harborage: a small settlement of about a hundred goblins in a valley surrounded by bluffs. Guided by Beshaba, no doubt, we miraculously found the only goblin worth speaking to in this wretched little ghetto: a seamstress and furniture restorer named Din. She caught sight of Gunx, and took his draconic visage as an omen that we had been sent by Maglubiyet to help her. Din explained that she had recently paid a smooth-talking halfling named “Ace” for the deed to Drachedandion Manor, formerly owned by a dragonborn merchant who is now presumed dead. Subsequently, she began to suspect she had been swindled. When Jorad confirmed that she was indeed the victim of fraud, Din enlisted us to investigate the manor itself, up on one of the bluffs overlooking Harborage.
We mounted the stone steps of the manor, Tegan and Brick leading the way. I noticed one of the gargoyles flanking the steps was missing as we passed through the double doors into a luxurious foyer. As soon as Gunx entered, he was immediately entranced by a portrait of a silver dragonborn hanging in the entryway; presumably, Lord Drachedandion. He pulled the painting down to claim it as his loot, and inadvertently revealed a safe which had been hidden behind it. Tolarin joined his brother, and noticed the tell-tale marks of a safe-cracker’s tools. Equipped with lockpicks myself, I opened the safe only to discover an Ace of Diamonds playing card; evidently, the calling card of the halfling swindler.
While Tegan peeked into the great hall to the north, and Brick began rolling up the large red velvet foyer carpet as his own booty, Jorad ventured into the dining room to the south, where he came upon a talking potted cherry tree. The monks joined Jorad, and attended to the sentient sapling, quenching its thirst. By way of thanks, the surreal shrubbery ejaculated a magical picnic basket out of its confounding foliage. Tegan, Brick and I joined the others in the dining room to witness the botanical marvel for ourselves.
Jorad continued to lead the party on into a pantry to the west. We found a brass key to the safe there, and some valuable rare spices worth ten gold pieces, which we took. Through the pantry was a kitchen, which was guarded by a rather listless suit of animated armor. Beyond this was a greenhouse, and this connected back to the great hall, where we found a large room decorated with a chandelier, leather furniture, and many bookcases. The manor seemed utterly devoid of dangers. While Brick and Gunx lingered in the kitchen sampling brandy, cheese, and cherry preserves, and Jorad thumbed through a copy of “Travelling Among the Stars,” I discovered the original deed to the manor, tucked in amongst the books!
I then followed Jorad to the master bedroom, where we discovered the missing gargoyle, cowering at the bedside of its dead master, Lord Drachedandion, whose corpse lay in the bed. Suddenly, the ghost of Drachedandion arose, and demanded to know our intentions toward his manor and its marvelous contents. We assured the shade that his estate would pass to Din, and his draconic spirit was appeased. We brought the news and brass key and documents of ownership to the gobliness Din, who rewarded us all with twenty five gold pieces and fine bespoke garments for each cunt in our fellowship, and a new purple tunic for Krisalee Tingletoe.
We returned to Phandalin, gave the mundane purple tunic to the pudgy golden kobold, and kept the magical picnic basket for our fellowship! Beshaba be praised, the misfortunes of others continue to provide us with bounty, klaatu barada nikto amen!
